American Idol: The Men (03-02-10)
What a strange episode tonight. It was definitely much better than last week, but there were a couple of notably bad performances, and for the first time in American Idol history that I can recall, I absolutely despise a contestant, not just as a singer but as a human being. Maybe I’ve seen too many advertisements for Alice in Wonderland, but in some ways this really felt like a psychedelic trip.
1. Michael Lynche: “This Is A Man’s World”
I did not like the song choice. I’m not a major James Brown fan to begin with, and this song had a start/stop melody that was irritating. The lyrics struck me as ridiculously sexist, too (men might rule the world, but thankfully women were created so they wouldn’t feel lonely). However, when I talked to Susan about it, she thought the lyrics meant something completely opposite: that men might think they rule the world with their silly little inventions, but women are what makes life worth living. Either way, I’m not a fan of the song.
Still, I don’t think anyone could deny that Michael did a fantastic job singing it. He is an extremely likeable person, and while I wish he had done a different song from the same era/genre, I liked his voice. This was much, much better than his cover of the Maroon 5 song from last week.
Score: 8 out of 10.
2. John Park: “Gravity”
What a serious misstep. From wearing an undershirt and jeans (because nothing says star potential like telling the world it’s laundry day) to picking a boring song with a monotone melody and singing it as slowly as possible, this was a disaster. The only reason I gave him a decent score was because he obviously has a very good voice. But he needs to stop picking ballads and then leaching the life out of them. I’d love to hear him tackle Anita Baker’s “Caught Up in the Rapture” or another mid-tempo song that lets him flex his voice without sounding like he’s performing at his best friend’s funeral.
Score: 6 out of 10.
3. Casey James: “I Don’t Wanna Be”
I don’t like Casey’s voice. I don’t care for the vibrato in his voice, and this week it was even more pronounced. I thought he also stumbled on the chorus; he was a little too heavy-handed on lines that demand a lighter touch. But as with John, I gave him a higher score than I might normally because he brought a lot of energy into both his performance and the entire episode. After John threatened to put half of America to sleep, Casey woke us back up, and I like that kind of charisma.
Score: 6 out of 10.
4. Alex Lambert: “Everybody Knows”
I confess, when I heard Alex was next, I winced. I thought for sure he’d be going home last week, and his wispy mullet is painful to look at. But I genuinely liked the jazzy tone of his voice tonight. I think he has an affected accent when he sings, pronouncing words strangely, and I don’t know if that’s him or if he’s imitating the singer, since I haven’t heard this song before. But I really like the jazzy tone.
I was also very impressed that he hit the final high note rather softly but held on to it. That’s not easy to do. I would have given him a higher score if he had picked a more interesting song.
Score: 7 out of 10.
5. Todrick Hall: “What’s Love Got To Do With It”
I actually loved this version of the song. I think it was inspired to slow it down and accentuate the hurt embedded in the words.
But Todrick was the wrong person to actually sing this version. The song – and especially a torchy version of it – requires a strong, commanding voice, and Todrick has a lightweight voice that was horribly wrong for this. With the right song, Todrick might surprise everyone. But this was a terrible choice that didn’t work at all.
Score: 5 out of 10.
6. Jermaine Sellers: “What’s Going On”
Up until now, I have never been repulsed by a contestant to the point that I not only disliked them on a personal basis but actively despised them. Up until now.
First, let’s talk about the video intro. The bit with the onesies was cute (although I had to wonder why a 26-year-old was still living with his father and bitching about the heat), but then when he started talking about the previous week, he came across as an asshole. After every other guy’s video, I thought, “What a nice guy.” After Jermaine’s, I thought, “What a dick.”
The judges complained that he wasn’t contemporary, so he picks a song that’s forty years old and wears a bowtie to perform it. Way to listen to criticism and grow, idiot.
Then he massacres one of the best songs ever written, presenting a quiet storm, neutered version of the original while proving that he can perform hundreds of vocal tricks simultaneously without even remotely connecting to the song on an emotional level. I’m sorry, but Jermaine has no fucking clue what that song is really about, and it actually made me angry listening to him vocally flit over the melody and ignore the meaning behind the words.
But then there was that “I know God” shit when he was being criticized. Yes, Jermaine, God could care less about the other contestants. It’s all about you. He wants you to be the next American Idol, so even when you give a performance that makes babies’ ears start bleeding in protest, He will protect you and keep you in the competition. Because that’s what God does.
If he survives to next week (Jermaine, not God), then I will spend the two hours after the show ends voting for the seven other guys over and over and over and over.
Score: 2 out of 10.
7. Andrew Garcia: “You Give Me Something”
My heart almost broke when Andrew started singing. After the miscarriage Jermaine reenacted live, I was hoping for a great performance from the artist who redefined “Straight Up” in Hollywood week. Instead, I got really mediocre karaoke. He didn’t even sound good singing it. If Jermaine hadn’t set the bar so incredibly low, this would have easily been the worst performance of the night. I doubt Andrew will be going home Thursday, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did, either.
Score: 4 out of 10.
8. Aaron Kelly: “My Girl”
I really like this boy. I don’t know that I would buy a record by him, but I would certainly be proud to call him my son if I was his dad. There’s just something about him that’s so honestly and completely likeable.
His performance was good, but he should have picked a song that hasn’t been sung two million times on American Idol already (isn’t this the official theme song of Hollywood week’s group sing-along?).
Score: 7 out of 10.
9. Tim Urban: “Come On Get High”
There was nothing I particularly disliked about his performance, but there was nothing I particularly liked either. This performance just kind of sat there. If enough people think he’s cute, he’ll survive. Personally, I could care less one way or the other.
Score: 5 out of 10.
10. Lee DeWyze: “Lips Of An Angel”
I don’t care much for this song, but I thought Lee did an excellent job singing it. My only problem is that it sounded like karaoke to me – good karaoke, the kind where you lean over and tell your friend, “Damn, that guy can sing!” – but karaoke nonetheless. His reimagining of Snow Patrol last week sucked, but he does need to add some originality to his covers or they’ll always sound like covers.
Score: 8 out of 10.
Predictions for going home: I only got one out of four right last week, so I’ll probably get this wrong again, but I’m going to choose Jermaine Sellers and John Park as the ones who go home. Personally, I’d like Jermaine to be eliminated, then the judges could vote to keep him on just so he could also be the second elimination. Then I’d like God to come down, say “You don’t know shit, bitch”, and smite him with lightning or cold sores or whatever He’s into nowadays.
But God would probably wait for a sweeps month to make an appearance on Idol, unfortunately. So maybe Ryan could just run Jermaine over with a lawn mower.
