American Idol: The Women (02-23-10)
It’s no surprise that the producers of American Idol are rooting for a woman to win the ninth season. The last couple of years haven’t been kind to male winners. David Cook and David Archuleta combined haven’t sold as many records as Fantasia Barrino, who never achieved mainstream success, and Kris Allen has yet to sell even a fourth of the CDs of season five’s sixth place finalist, Kellie Pickler. As for Adam Lambert, the most publicized Idol contestant in history, the ridiculously over-hyped singer has yet to sell as many albums as Taylor Hicks, the American Idol winner most often dismissed as a complete failure.
But judging by tonight’s two-hour show, a woman won’t be winning American Idol this year. Although it’s standard for Idol to say that each season is the strongest ever, with an amazing array of talent, the hyperbole fell flat as soon as Paige began singing the first song, and Katie’s show-closing snoozer made it clear that any of the women will be lucky to survive the first six weeks of the official competition.
Still, I can hope that next week will be better.
1. Paige Miles: “All Right Now”
It’s hard to imagine a worse choice for a singer that has such an obviously gorgeous voice. She picks a song that actively works against her strengths as a vocalist, performs it pretty much exactly as it was first recorded (so no one can accuse her of adding anything to the song or of “making it her own”), and chooses not to change the gender of the lusted-after “baby”, which makes me wonder why she didn’t sing Melissa Etheridge’s amazing “You Can Sleep While I Drive” if she wanted to give a shout out to lesbian love. The saddest thing about her performance wasn’t her admission afterwards that she needed to pee for the last five hours; no, the fact that she wasn’t one of the worst three performers made this a spectacularly bad way to begin the competition phase of American Idol.
Score: 4 out of 10.
2.Ashley Rodriguez: “Happy”
She needs to stop breathing directly into the microphone. Actually, it would be great if she’d stop holding the microphone a half inch from her mouth, period. You don’t have to give the damn thing oral sex; it’s perfectly fine to move it away enough that we can hear your voice instead of your respiratory system. She has a nice voice, but her performance was lackluster at best. She was okay on the verse, but the chorus completely overwhelmed her.
Score: 6 out of 10.
3. Janell Wheeler: “What About Love”
Wow. Janell is embodying the theme of the night: pick a song that will completely overwhelm you. Although hers was the second worst performance of the night, I hope she makes it past this week, because I honestly think she could be great with the right song. But doing an extremely weak version of a Heart song is not the way to impress. I think calling it torture would be exaggerating things a little. But just a little.
Score: 3 out of 10.
4. Lilly Scott: “Fixing A Hole”
What a bizarre choice. Lilly has such badly bleached hair I kept wondering if it was a wig. She has an interesting voice, but she chooses an obscure Beatles song that is slightly less boring than listening to a dial tone for three hours. And if I could vote against someone making it through to the next round, she’d be my first choice. She wasn’t the worst, but damn that one and a half minutes lasted seventeen years at least in terms of monotony.
Score: 4 out of 10.
5. Katelyn Epperly: “Oh Darling”
I was so prepared to hate her, especially after enduring four horrible performances. And when I heard she was going to perform a ‘60s song I’d never heard of, I was ready to turn off the television set. So yes, I was extremely surprised how much I loved her performance. Will she make it to the finals? Who knows? But I’m glad that she reminded me, after four excruciatingly bad songs, why I like American Idol. Katelyn, I’m rooting for you!
Score: 8 out of 10.
6. Haeley Vaughn: “I Want To Hold Your Hand”
Was it just a couple years ago that singing a Beatles song was a big ass deal? Now we get three in a row. I think Haeley has a good voice. I think Haeley has a good personality. And I think if I wasn’t the nice guy I am, I would have to hunt her down and destroy her. Is it possible for anyone to be so perky and chipper without inspiring extreme hatred? On one level I thought she did good, but I would be lying if I didn’t hope she gets sent home Thursday night. She needs to seriously tone it down – and majorly – if she wants to be more than just a fifth-rate Shanice clone.
Score: 7 out of 10.
7. Lacey Brown: “Landslide”
I’m not sure it’s possible to make a worse song choice. Lacey might have a good voice (I’m assuming she does, since she made it to the Top 24), but wow, this was one of the worst performances I’ve ever seen on Idol. She needs to go home. Now.
Score: 1 out 10.
8. Michelle Delamor: “Falling”
I despise contestants who pick “safe” songs, but this was the exception that proves the rule. She did nothing to differentiate her version from the original, and her voice is in no way better than Alicia Keys, yet it worked for me. This was the only performance of the night that I would consider purchasing. I’m intrigued and will be eager to find out next week if this was a fluke or the beginning of something astonishing.
Score: 9 out of 10.
9. Didi Benami: “The Way I Am”
The crybaby sings, and I like her voice, but it sounds far too much like the original singer to judge what she’s capable of. Because I enjoyed the performance so much, I’m going to be lenient in my score, but I reserve judgment until I hear her sing something that isn’t a well-done copy of an existing track.
Score: 7 out of 10.
10. Siobhan Magnus: “Wicked Game”
She began badly, but once she got into the song, she did a beautiful job of singing it. Unfortunately, she gave the song no depth, no energy. It was a “quiet storm” version that ultimately bored the hell out of me. I kept waiting for that moment when she’d release her pent-up power and stun the shit out of me, but it never came. In a night when the women were decidedly unspectacular, Siobhan nailed what it means to give an average performance, and that’s never a good thing.
Score: 6 out of 10.
11. Crystal Bowersox: “Hand In My Pocket”
What an extremely disappointing performance. Crystal has a great voice, and she picked a great song. But she added nothing to the song, and her decision to do a harmonica solo was bizarre – does she realize this is a singing competition? In the end, I couldn’t be too harsh. She picked a song that fit her, and she sang it well. But Kara of all people nailed it when she compared it to a coffeehouse performance. A good one, certainly, but Crystal, you are so much more than this.
Score: 7 out of 10.
12. Katie Stevens: “Feeling Good”
Can we ask Congress to create a law that forbids American Idol contestants from singing this damn song? I have never heard a cover version that’s even passable, yet every year at least one semi-finalist tackles it. Katie was drowned out by the orchestra at times, had no clue that it helps when performing a song if you show at least as much emotion as a Terminator cyborg, and added absolutely nothing to the original version. She has a good voice, but she needs to figure out – and quickly – what songs accentuate that voice. Because after this performance, the main reason she’ll be moving on is more because she got to sing last then because she was okay.
Score: 5 out of 10.
Predictions for going home Thursday: Lacey Brown and Janell Wheeler.
