American Idol 9.2: Ten Most Memorable Moments
The second night of American Idol was entertaining even though there wasn’t a single person I actually loved with the possible exception of Vanessa Wolfe. Mallorie Haley did fine singing the country version of “Piece of My Heart”, and while a little too loud, Keia Johnson also did a good job with “My Heart Will Go On”, but neither of them overly impressed me. As for the trio of women who moved on right at the beginning, Miriam Lemnouni belted out “The Climb” as if it was a fire she had to put out, Noel Reese screamed out a Whitney Houston cover, and Tisha Holland managed to be completely forgettable while she was actually singing.
Still, even without someone that knocked my socks off, I found ten things I wanted to mention about last night’s episode.
10. General Larry Platt. Yes, I enjoyed the “pants on the ground” song, and I won’t be surprised if he “surprises” us with a return visit for the grand season finale. But I really don’t care for this crap. Mr. Platt wasn’t anywhere near as annoying as Margaret Fowler, the chicken lady from three seasons ago, but why have someone “audition” who couldn’t remotely be considered a contestant?
9. Dewone Robinson. Singing an original song, he proved once and for all that you can’t spell lady without a “t”.
8. Jermaine Sellers and Bryan Walker. The church boy and the singing cop. Jermaine actually has a decent voice, but there’s no reason to try and cram 742 runs into the last note. If God was one of us, he would tell you not to beat the song into bloody submission. As for Bryan, I wasn’t a fan of the wispy blond Mohawk, and I couldn’t stand his tendency to make every single word a tribute to melisma. Songs should be sung, not tortured and murdered.
7. Christy Agronow. She’s young, she’s perky, she’s got a great personality. And she believes in singing Pat Benatar songs the way they were always meant to be sung: staccato. Love. Is. A. Battlefield. Damn. It.
6. Vanessa Wolfe. I was prepared to hate her, but after watching her jump bridges and talk about her tiny town, she said she hoped the judges didn’t look down on her, and I fell in love. She’s like the real version of the act Kellie Pickler tried to play unconvincingly – the innocent country girl who’s never flown on an aero plane. I’m afraid she’s going to end up being cannon fodder, but I’m hoping she surprises me and makes it to the top 24.
5. Holly Harden. I don’t care how well you can sing (and to be honest, I wasn’t that impressed). You went to an audition for the biggest television show in America, and you dressed as a guitar. Go away.
4. Carmen Turner and Lauren Sanders. They’ve been best friends forever, but they really need to find a third friend, one that isn’t afraid to tell them they have absolutely no idea how to apply makeup. Whatever Lauren did with her eyes, it worked against her horribly, and the hooker dress didn’t do her any favors, either. And while Carmen wasn’t that bad, I couldn’t help thinking she only went on to Hollywood because she was, for all intents, competing against Lauren. As Simon said, I don’t think it will be long before Carmen returns to Atlanta and her best friend’s side.
3. Lamar Royal. I knew he had an anger problem from the preceding promos, and when he said he would respect the judges and welcome constructive criticism, I knew it was going to be bad. But wow, that was just ridiculous. After he aggressively screamed a Seal song at the judges in a way that felt more like a knife attack than a serenade, he really unleashed his temper. But then again, he was probably already furious about his ridiculously groomed facial hair, with the striped eyebrows and the sideburns that just kind of ended at his shaved dome.
2. Antonio Wheeler. I find it impossible to respect anyone that actually shaves the American Idol logo on his head, refers to himself as Skii Bo Ski and has the nickname stitched to his jacket (spelled wrong, to boot), and talks in an oblivious, drug-addled manner that could only be described as annoying as hell. He didn’t have a bad voice, but if I had been a judge, there’s no way he would have moved on to Hollywood.
1. Jessie Hamilton. At times I felt guilty, but I didn’t care. I’ve never laughed so hard at an audition before. From the hilarious cheap dramatizations (“I was limp as a rag doll!”) to Mary J. Blige’s attack of the giggles, I couldn’t stop laughing. When Jessie talked about his three near-death experiences and then earnestly said God was watching out for him, I thought, no, He’s just got bad aim. Then I felt ashamed of myself for thinking that. But I laughed anyway.
