A postage stamp is a postage stamp.

God spoke and the waters brought forth abundantly all birds that fly above the earth.  Birds are 67% water.  God also formed man out of the dust of the ground. Human beings are 70% water and there is no discernible amount of dust in their biological makeup.

A postage stamp cannot verbally distinguish water from soil.

God told the birds, whales, cattle, and everything else He created to be fruitful and multiply, emphasizing the whole reproduction concept. Then He created Adam and was cool with him being the only human. Later, while relaxing with a warm cup of chamomile tea, He realized He didn’t want Adam to be alone. So He formed every beast of the field and every fowl of the air out of the ground. (In His concern over finding Adam a “help meet”, God completely forgot that He’d already created birds out of water, but that’s a very common error amongst deities that like to create entire universes.) God then had all the animals meet Adam to help find company for the man.

A postage stamp, like most inanimate objects, is not specifically offended by bestiality but doesn’t particularly embrace the concept either.

God eventually decided to let Adam be fruitful and multiply with something other than cattle. He induced a coma, then removed one of Adam’s ribs. For those who might wonder why Eve was boned before getting the chance to enjoy the bone, the “dust of the ground” trick evidently only works once. Upon waking up, Adam immediately said, “A man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Besides the randomness and awkward phrasing, Adam’s proclamation was bizarre, since he didn’t, in fact, have a father or a mother, he and Eve did not meld into one organic being, and when asked by God later why he ate of the forbidden fruit, promptly forgot his desire to cleave and instead blamed the woman. This is an example of something that is usually classified under the category of “what the fuck?”.

A postage stamp also doesn’t have a father or mother, and rarely, if ever, cleaves.

God blessed Adam and Eve with free will, then condemned them for actually acting on that blessing.

A postage stamp, for the most part, is thought of as a nice thing to possess, not as a petty, shit-stained douche bag.

God insisted that Adam be fruitful, multiply, and do that whole cleaving thing. But when Adam and Eve failed His contrived test (again, when creating universes, some Ones tend to forget that beings allowed to act on their own accord might not to meet all expectations, which is why most non-severely retarded deities choose to create brainless robots instead of anything capable of rational thought), God declared that from that moment on, all women would be cursed with that “time of the month”, childbirth would be a ridiculously painful experience, and men would rule over women like pompous little dictators. Because that would encourage women to have more babies (see previously referenced “what the fuck?” proclamation).

A postage stamp doesn’t whine or throw hissy fits.

God loves his creation.

There has never been one recorded instance of a postage stamp killing people for the hell of it. Postage stamps have never caused floods or fire and they have never condoned the slaughter of thousands of babies because they wanted to prove a point. A postage stamp is, by pretty much any definition, harmless. While most people would not list that as one of the reasons they like postage stamps, if asked, most of them would more than likely acknowledge that they prefer non-vengeful stamps over the nasty ones.

God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son to die for everyone, even though He only noticed He had a son after the New Testament began, when Jesus rather annoyingly popped into existence with no warning and started talking about meek people and prodigal children. God also loved the world enough to inspire Mel Gibson to create religious torture-porn, but that was more a side-effect of His feces forming into what would eventually be known as the current Pope then anything intentional.

A postage stamp doesn’t have the capability to create imaginary progeny, nor does it have the desire to do so. And most postage stamps, as a rule, are wary of Mr. Gibson, fearing that his list of things he hates and rants about in drunken rages will eventually extend to include postal products. As for their thoughts regarding Popes, stamps unanimously prefer to keep their silence and wait for the fucks to die out.

God’s Son sacrificed himself so that all humanity could be saved.

A postage stamp, if it were possible for it to rationalize beyond its need to be affixed to an envelope, might wonder why people would worship a God that creates a motherless child, then sacrifices that same child to save humanity. If the supreme being in question really was all-powerful and such, why couldn’t It just change the rules dictating the sacrifice and instead insist that only people who apologized in a proper manner befitting a whiny douche bag, people who figured out that Buffy the Vampire Slayer was based on true events, or people who truly understood that the hokey-pokey really is what it’s all about would be saved? If Kung-Fu Grip Jesus  had to be sacrificed to save the world, why wouldn’t people worship the deity that insisted the sacrifice be made, instead of the God that was the deity’s bitch?

Okay, maybe a postage stamp that had the ability to rationalize wouldn’t care about a god that has the emotional maturity of a fourth-grade student and must abide by a set of rules created by someone higher up than he/she. But I do. Sue me.

So what is the difference between God and a postage stamp?

Millions and millions of people have been inspired to follow God’s words and interpret them in ways that, amazingly enough, completely and without fail conform to every single thing each and every one of them already believe, no matter how destructive or judgmental or psychotic those beliefs might be.

On the other hand, a postage stamp is useful.

1. I feel bad that you apologized for not knowing how I felt about religion. You had no reason to apologize, no reason to know, and what you said – that God is faithful – was an expression of your joy. I have no problem with people who believe in Christianity or anything else. When I was in California, one of my dear friends was a devout Catholic, and every time we ate together, she said grace first. She didn’t say it out loud, didn’t make a big deal of it, and asked no one to join her. But I was always silent out of respect for her and her beliefs. In the same way, when Mom wants to thank God for a meal, I hold her hand, close my eyes, and let her connect with her Lord.

I never want to give someone the feeling that they can’t express thanks to their God, and again, I sincerely apologize.

I was in a bad place when I responded that time. I moved 1200 miles to Wichita for a job, a thousand miles away from the nearest ocean, to a culture that is completely different from what I’m used to – not bad, just different. Less than two months later, I woke up at 2:37 in the morning on a Wednesday night to the sound of people pounding on my door and to the realization that my apartment was on fire. Before I’d spent a month in my new apartment, I went to writers.com, a web site I used to visit often to share stories and poems, and I contracted a virus that shut my computer down for three days. For two of those days, I couldn’t even get my computer to boot.

I was angry, yes, but worse, I didn’t feel safe, not in my apartment, not on my computer, not even in my neighborhood, which is located a block away from the strip in Wichita where prostitution and drugs rule. When I read Robbie’s comment about Mom being a godly woman, I resented that, chewing on it for a while before I finally wrote my hateful response to you.

I’m glad you accepted my apology, but I wanted to let you know not only that you did not deserve such treatment (you already knew that), but also that that’s not how I normally am. These last three months, and actually the last five years or so, have been a time of change and constant readjustments for me. I was in a bad place, and instead of keeping my mouth shut and waiting until I was able to make more sense out of things, I lashed out.

2. You never knew this, but I’ve always had a major problem with some of the tenets of the Christian faith. Although I eventually realized I didn’t believe any of it, even in the beginning I chose to focus on the loving words and actions of Jesus Christ and ignore the increasing negativity of everything else.

I don’t believe it will shock you to learn that it was being gay that made me finally realize that while I wanted to believe in everything, I actually believed none of it. I just never could understand why some mythical creator would make me attracted to men instead of women. And not just sexual attraction – if it was just that, I don’t think I’d ever have questioned my “faith” – but emotional attraction, physical attraction, soul attraction. I have yet to find my partner in life. He may not even exist. But I came close one time, and that’s when I really had to come face to face with the fact that everything religion said about homosexuality was a lie. Then I learned that most of them know it’s a lie, but they keep preaching anti-gay hatred because it brings in the most dedicated fringes, the ones that will send their life savings to support the ministries.

Once I started wondering why a divine entity would even care whether I was attracted to a man or a woman, or had sex with a man or a woman, it was pretty much a question of how much longer I would believe any of it. If you have sex with a child, you do irreparable damage to that child. If you marry someone related to you, your children will be at risk for many more diseases and disfigurements than if you married someone not related to you. If you marry two women, you are clearly saying that you view women as objects, not real entities. In my life, I have never met a single woman who wanted to share her soul mate with another.

But if you have sex with another adult, with both people wanting to have sex, and even better, with both people being in love with each other, then I can’t come up with a reasonable explanation why some divine being would care whether that other adult was a man or a woman. Two men can never have a child biologically, but then again, neither can infertile men or women, women over a certain age, couples that elect vasectomies and tied tubes, or the millions of men and women who have sex every day using protection of one sort or another to prevent accidental pregnancies.

Life isn’t about simply multiplying, no matter what Genesis says. A woman is more than a baby factory. A man is more than a sperm bank. And love is more than just a requirement to replenish the species. We’ve long since passed the point where the survival of our species is in any doubt. We’ve been to the moon. We’ve walked on the floors of oceans. If we cease to exist, it will be because of own petty battles and wars, not because women aren’t birthing enough babies.

But all of that is not what I wanted to tell you. Even as a child, I was always bothered by this notion of angels and demons. Why did angels only protect certain people, and even then, only from certain things? It seemed so random and so unfair. Why would an angel protect me but not protect that girl at Kent State weeping over the loss of her friend, the girl whose photograph was printed in Newsweek? If people only did good things because God inspired them, then what of all the millions of good things, miraculous things, that happened every day that weren’t done by Christians? And why did the church keep insisting that good acts alone would get no one into heaven, as if good acts were something to be despised unless they were done for their god?

As for evil, that’s the thing that really made me angry. I always hated when someone started preaching about demons. To preach about mythological gods is one thing, but to claim that evil is inspired by demons is, and I apologize for the word, but I can’t think of one more accurate, pure bullshit. Dad didn’t constantly belittle me, put me down, and make me feel worthless because he had a demon inside. He did it because he made a decision – a series of decisions, made on a daily basis – to let his anger win out over his humanity. He was so incredibly angry at the whole world, and yet, like one of those psychotic killers you read about, he was so good at hiding it from others. One of the reasons I’ve always been vocal about everything in my life, refusing to feel ashamed about anything that doesn’t hurt anyone else, is because I know the power of secrets, of two faces and hypocrisy.

Evil isn’t caused by demons. It’s a choice. It’s always been a choice. And blaming it on Satan, or bad weather, or circumstances, all of that just tries to mask the fact that we choose how we behave. When I mentioned the fire and the computer virus, I wanted you to understand that I was in a bad place. But by now I guess you’ve realized that I’m also saying I chose to be evil. Maybe not with a capital “E” and a lot of bloodshed, but I chose to be hurtful because I was hurting. And it wasn’t a demon. It was just little old me. I forgive myself for being so mean because you forgive me, and because I know it’s part of the growing process. As I’ve gotten older, more and more I’ve learned how to make the right decisions and avoid the anger inside of me. I think it may be a pipedream to believe I’ll ever fully cleanse myself of unreasonable anger, but I still hope to meet that goal one day anyway.

As for being good, that is also a choice. When a cashier gives me too much change back, I let her know. That’s not because I’m godly, because I’m inspired by angels, or because I’m naturally a good person. It’s because it’s the right thing to do, and I choose to do the right thing. I work very hard for the money I earn, and quite frankly, I don’t want anything to do with money I didn’t earn fairly. That’s not one of my values.

Everything Mom went through, everything everyone goes through, it teaches us, it shapes us, it makes us into who we are – beautiful people that shine, ugly people that destroy, and quite a few people that, like me, lie somewhere in between. It’s not because of angels or demons, Lucifer or Yahweh. It’s because we choose our paths, we choose our decisions, and like the god you believe in, we truly create the world in our own image.

To me, my brother calling my mother godly, while meant as the ultimate compliment, felt like an insult, a slap in the face. My mother has made a lot of decisions, some good, some bad, just like all of us. Yet through it all, she so fiercely loved every single one of us that it gave us the strength to survive Dad. Not all of us made it; Ricky died of pneumonia, Bill hung himself in the garage to escape, and the rest of us are learning day by day how to rebuild what should never have been broken. But Mom gave us the weapons we needed to fight his anger and hatred.

Just this last year, working on my Mom’s house, I heard my father’s voice in my head berating me, and for the first time, I could answer him back. “You lazy asshole, if you had ever finished one thing in your life, I wouldn’t be here painting cabinets that have been unpainted for fifteen years, laying tile on a concrete floor, painting the walls and ceilings, installing shelves in her closet, and all the other dozens of little things to make her house livable that you were too lazy and disrespectful to do yourself.” It’s the first time I realized that Dad might have been a horrible father (and husband, unfortunately), but he no longer had the power to make me doubt myself anymore.

And through it all, my Mother has survived the absolute worst and loved her children with a devotion that is astounding. When I think of her, I think of a lioness, willing to do whatever it takes to kill her enemy. She never was strong enough to triumph over my Dad, but she did the one thing she could do – give us the love and support we’d need to do that ourselves.

And to hear her called godly, it diminishes her and her achievements. It makes her sound like a tool of some deity, instead of a woman who tried every way she knew possible to take care of her children. That has nothing to do with gods or angels or unicorns or elves. My mom didn’t do what she did because she was godly. She did what she did because it was right, because it was all she could do to help her children, and because it was good.

Although I’ve probably only made things more confusing, I hope the opposite is true, that you understand why I believe in people, not in gods. I mean no disrespect, and again, I want you to feel free to express all the joy you feel in the Lord to me anytime you want. But no god allowed Dad to abuse us or gave Mom the strength of character to gift her children with unfailing love. They made their choices, just as we make ours, and in my mind, to suggest otherwise is blasphemy.

We are miracles, every one of us. That I was born, that I had Mom as my mother and Dad as my father, that I was blessed with Robbie as my brother, that I met Roberta and Sandra and Richie, always Richie, Susan and Kandra, Dale and you and Linda and Marie, Eric whose real name was Matt, Julie, Janie, Janna, Ron Corrado (my first major crush), Kim and Donna and Linda and Sandra, man, if anyone honestly sat down and counted their blessings, not just people but everything, it would take days to list. All of this, all of everything, it’s all a miracle.

And it’s not because some supreme being made it so. It’s because every one of us is born a miracle, and everything we do from that moment on is a result of what we choose. Call it God if you want, but even that’s a choice, to pretend that our actions are guided by a higher power and not ourselves. We choose to do good, we choose to do bad, we choose to do both. That’s what makes us so incredibly powerful.

And I’m not comfortable, and never will be, with saying that God inspired Mom or you or anyone else to greatness when I know the truth, that it was a decision made, a chosen road, a personal conviction to do not what is easy, but what is right. I believe that with all my heart, and I always will.

I hope this song puts them back in the public eye, because it’s a damn good song and a damn good video.

1. Michael Lynche: “Miss You”

Technically, Michael has a wonderful voice, but his song choices (and arrangements) confuse me and quite honestly leave me cold. This is the fourth time in a row (out of four performances) that I feel like I’ve given him a somewhat high score in spite of his song choice, and that makes it hard for me to get excited about him as a singer.

I could have done without the introductory ooh’s, but once the song began, I thought it was a dangerous and sexy combination of the Stones and Michael Jackson. I was starting to think he’d finally give a performance that would live up to his talent, but then the arrangement suddenly slowed down and sounded like every other song Luther Vandross ever sang. It was a weird combination, a bipolar choice of arrangement, and I didn’t care for it. Too many disparate elements crammed into two minutes.

From all appearances, Michael is an extraordinarily affection and good-hearted person, and he’s obviously got an amazing gift, but I wouldn’t be sad if he got voted off tomorrow. I’m tired of liking him despite instead of because.

Score: 7 out of 10.

2. Didi Benami: “Play With Fire”

As Katelyn showed when she performed Coldplay, slowing down an arrangement to let the tone of your voice come through can be a very good thing. This is the first time I genuinely liked her voice. It was a good song choice for her.

However, she pushed a little hard (especially near the end) on the chorus. The swaybots in front of the stage with their outstretched arms waving in a pattern that resembled no discernible rhythm known to man were extremely annoying. And the performance overall was more than a little boring.

Nice try, but nothing too special.

Score: 7 out of 10.

3. Casey James: “It’s All Over Now”

I enjoyed his country-rock version of this, adding some good-old-boy vibes to the arrangement. But while I would definitely call it a solid effort, again, there was nothing that special about it.

Score: 7 out of 10.

4. Lacey Brown: “Ruby Tuesday”

As she sang, I couldn’t help but wonder if the poor girl has such a low metabolism that she can’t bear to remain standing for more than 32 seconds. If she isn’t sitting on a stool, she’s sitting on the side of the stage, and I don’t think she realizes how much energy it drains out of a song when perform every single one of them from a reclining position.

That said, this was the wrong song for her. It wasn’t so bad that ears started bleeding, but it did her no favors whatsoever.

Score: 4 out of 10.

5. Andrew Garcia: “Gimme Shelter”

More and more, it seems like Andrew is going to be one of those Top Twelve contestants that gets met with a “which one was he?” a year from now when his name is brought up. If he were on Survivor, he’d be safe – one of those people who manage to stay under the radar long enough to survive the first few eliminations. But this is Idol, and his obsession with being mediocre is going to do him in sooner rather than later.

This was the wrong song choice, and because it was such an average performance, I couldn’t help noticing his stage presence. Some people own the stage. He seemed afraid to move too much lest he be evicted; he never strayed more than one or two steps past his starting point. It was the only performance of the night that was forgettable within seconds of him finishing the song.

Score: 5 out of 10.

6. Katie Stevens: “Wild Horses”

Although her voice was somewhat shaky in the beginning, she ended up doing a competent job. And that’s about all I can say about it.

Score: 6 out of 10.

7. Tim Urban: “Under My Thumb”

If I was a huge Rolling Stones fan, I probably would have despised this performance. I’m sure he’s being eviscerated on Vote For The Worst as I’m writing this. But at the risk of being ridiculed forever, I was pleasantly surprised. I thought giving it a Jason Mraz feel, with the soft guitar and the reggae arrangement, was smart, and I think Tim was very wise picking a song that fit his somewhat limited vocal range. It highlighted the nice tone of his voice.

Sue me, I liked it.

Score: 7 out of 10.

8. Siobhan Magnus: “Paint It Black”

“House Of The Rising Sun” was amazing, but this was the performance that finally made me feel vested in this year’s competition. Quite simply, Siobhan is my favorite, the one I’m rooting for to win. This was a riveting performance, and I find it astounding how she picks arrangements that prove how good she is. Starting out low-key, then going in for the kill, I loved that she chose to end by reminding us no matter how powerful her vocal talent might be, it’s also a very pure and beautiful instrument at the same time.

Score: 9 out of 10.

9. Lee DeWyze: “Beast Of Burden”

I thought this was a smart choice. After picking three wimpy songs in a row, Lee finally picked a song that had some meat on its bones, and the John Cougar Mellencamp arrangement was perfect. This was an excellent match for his voice.

Score: 8 out of 10.

10. Paige Miles: “Honky Tonk Woman”

True to form, Paige picks yet another song that doesn’t fit her at all. I agree with Simon – she sounded like a bar band singer.

And let me make two things clear. Yes, it’s wonderful if the singer is having fun performing – it would be abysmal otherwise – but it don’t count for shit if no one is having fun watching the singer perform. And secondly, Paige should have gone home last week. She gave, by far, the worst performance of anyone, man or woman, last week, and I can’t believe she survived.

With that said, this wasn’t a horrible performance, it just wasn’t that great.

Score: 6 out of 10.

11. Aaron Kelly: “Angie”

This was nice, sweet, like ending your day with a pleasant cup of tea. It fit his range well, and he connected as much as he could, but in the end, it’s strange to hear such a raw, heartbreaking song come across as so oddly comforting.

Score: 7 out of 10.

12. Crystal Bowersox: “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”

Talk about a missed opportunity. When she began, I thought, what a perfect song choice. When the last line of the chorus brought up the volume, rhythm and intensity, I thought, wow, this is going to be one of those defining moments. And then she pulled back, and what sounded promising suddenly sounded safe.

Make no mistake, Crystal has a powerful voice and she gave a really good performance. But the ending was anticlimactical, more because of what she didn’t do than what she did. It didn’t build into a mesmerizing finish, it just sort of ended.

Maybe next time.

Score: 8 out of 10.

My vote for who’s going home? Although I think both Andrew and Katie are in trouble, ultimately it will be Lacey singing her farewell tomorrow.

I’m gonna stick around for at least the next week or two, but beyond that, I just don’t know. For what it’s worth, here are the men…

1. Lee DeWyze: “Firefly”

For anyone who’s ever longed to hear Nickelback interpret Taylor Swift’s “You Belong To Me”, Lee gives us the grunged up version of a light-hearted techno-pop ballad and for an entire nation defines “overkill”. The man is obsessed with soft ballads, from “Chasing Cars” to “Lips Of An Angel”, but tonight was officially annoying as hell. “Firefly” demands a soft touch to make it work – and in the original version it worked well enough to become a number one hit – but Lee mauls the song, determined to sing the hell out of it. By far the worst – and the most disappointing – performance of the night.

Score: 4 out of 10.

2. Alex Lambert: “Trouble”

I’m really beginning to appreciate Alex’s voice, even if it sometimes borders on nasal, and I thought this was a very nice performance. But at this point in time, I’d really like to hear something more than “nice”.

Score: 7 out of 10.

3. Tim Urban: “Hallelujah”

This was a pedestrian performance of a moving song, a study in mediocrity, and I am astonished by how much the judges loved it. I thought Jason Castro did a far superior job, and when you compare unfavorably to Jason Castro, that’s not a good thing. Wasn’t impressed at all.

Score: 5 out of 10.

4. Andrew Garcia: “Genie In A Bottle”

Normally, I get irritated when people talk about having a guilty pleasure. If you like something, you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. But Andrew’s performance tonight made me understand what the phrase means: I enjoyed it, and I totally feel guilty about it. Yes, it was an excruciatingly desperate move, and it didn’t work nearly as good as “Straight Up” (which, if you listen to the judges, is only a couple weeks away from being enshrined in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or something). Yes, it was weird to hear a man asking to be rubbed the right way, since that’s slang for getting a hand job. But his voice sounded great, and I think he’s moving in the right direction after two weeks of bad performances. Good move.

Score: 7 out of 10.

5. Casey James: “You’ll Think Of Me”

After playing “Scottish Lullaby”, a song I truly loved, my piano teacher told me that sometimes it’s far more rewarding to hear a relatively simple song played well than to listen to a difficult song played adequately. Casey took a nice, straightforward song and did a great job both singing and selling it. I liked this performance more than any of the other guys, and I hope he pursues a career in pop country. It’s the one performance I could picture myself listening to on the radio and possibly even purchasing.

Score: 9 out of 10.

6. Aaron Kelly: “I’m Already There”

This would have been a great performance if he hadn’t started off so nervous. Most people can nail the chorus, but it requires a lot of skill to sing the verses (and this is true of most songs – the power of music is in the buildup far more than in the payoff). Still, his voice is a natural for pop music, and this was a good choice.

Score: 7 out of 10.

7. Todrick Hall: “Somebody To Love”

My first reaction after the song was over was to say Todrick sang and leave it at that. He sounded good, even if it was far too theatrical. But I found myself incredibly bored, and realized I could care less about the performance. It sounded less like a song and more like a lackluster demand to pay attention to the singer. This is the reason “whatever” became such a popular catchword.

Score: 5 out of 10.

8. Michael Lynche: “This Woman’s Work”

By far the best vocals of the week, but I could care less about the song, so it didn’t work for me. And by the way, wearing a tie, vest and suit jacket over jeans and sneakers just looks stupid. I think I’m going to have to deal with the fact that Michael is an extremely talented singer who performs songs I don’t even remotely like.

Score: 8 out of 10.

So who’s going home? I’m guessing Todrick and Tim, but it’s really anyone’s guess.

Like I said, it’s confusing. To paraphrase Crystal, I’m still waiting for someone to give me a reason to care this year. With that said, here’s my thoughts on the performances.

1. Katie Stevens: “Breakaway”

On paper, it sounds like a good choice, and to be fair, her performance was far more memorable than the last two. But the vocals were safe and polished, technically good but with no complexity or heart to them. I didn’t feel any emotional connection at all. Katie’s problem is simple but also enormous: she has a beautiful voice that is old beyond its years, but she has no life experience to give that voice depth. No matter how hard she tries, she comes across as the toddler dressing up in her mother’s clothes and makeup.

Score: 7 out of 10.

2. Siobhan Magnus: “House Of The Rising Sun”

I’m not a fan of hers, and I actually groaned when she said what she was singing. Then she sang the opening verse a cappella, and I was blown away. It was haunting and almost brought me to tears. The rest of her performance only built on that opening. This was the first time all season I saw a performance that made me stand up and pay attention.

Although the other judges loved her, Simon could not have been less pleased. I have disagreed with Simon in the past (I tend to agree with him around 95% of the time), but this is the first time I can remember that I vehemently disagreed with him and actually got angry at the man. I wouldn’t say Siobhan reached the level of Fantasia’s amazing first performance of “Summertime”, but it was definitely on a par with David Cook’s first performance of “Hello”.

Score: 10 out of 10.

3. Lacey Brown: “The Story”

I don’t care for Lacey’s voice. I don’t understand why she, Didi, and Lilly even made it to the semifinals – all three have quirky, “unique” voices that irritate me. When it comes to American Idol, I want to hear great singers, not interesting ones. That said, Lacey did a fine job performing an obscure song with a boring arrangement. Whatever.

Score: 6 out of 10.

4. Katelyn Epperly: “I Feel The Earth Move”

Wow, what a difference a week makes! If her slow and plodding cover of Coldplay at the same time managed to highlight an incredible voice, her slow and plodding cover of Carole King hid it completely. And what was with the ‘70s soft rock version that sounded ridiculously dated from the beginning? I was very disappointed. This was a disastrous song choice that sounded bland when it needed to shine.

Score: 5 out of 10.

5. Didi Benami: “Rhiannon”

Although Didi didn’t mutilate Fleetwood Mac like Lacey did a couple weeks ago, I wasn’t impressed. Her precious and precise vocals make me want to change the channel, and the backing vocals all but drowned her out on the chorus (which arguably could be a good thing). She performed fine, but I do not like her voice.

Score: 6 out of 10.

6. Paige Miles: “Smile”

Random thought: her surname is an anagram of the song title.

Second wow of the night. From the beginning, she sounded nervous, shaky, and had absolutely no control over the song. It’s a beautiful song, and contrary to what Ellen said, it’s a sad song that can be sung in a sad fashion. But this was just painfully timid. From the first note to the last, I just kept wondering why she was so afraid of the damn song. Most bizarre song choice of the night.

Score: 4 out of 10.

7. Crystal Bowersox: “Give Me One Reason”

Crystal has an amazing voice, and her stage presence is hypnotic. But I’m very conflicted regarding her. On the one hand, I can’t wait to hear the strength of her gorgeous voice. On the other hand, I wish just once she wouldn’t sing a song that sounds like you’re at a local coffee shop listening to open mike night. I feel like I’m an unwelcome visitor at a womyn rally.

Score: 8 out of 10.

8. Lilly Scott: “I Fall To Pieces”

And the worst is saved for last. If I ever get the urge to listen to Betty Boop sing the blues, I’ll go on YouTube and do a search for this performance. But I don’t think that’s ever going to be a likely desire. Lilly is so damn cheerful while singing about a devastating heartbreak, and she’s one of three women tonight with voices that are far too quirky and original for my taste (what can I say, I like strong vocals that don’t rely on affectations), so the combination was enough to make me run to the bathroom and get a Q-tip and ointment in case my ears started bleeding.

As the Two Men on In Living Color would say, “Hated it!”

Score 3 out of 10.

So who’s going home? I’m guessing Lacey and Paige. But for the third time in three weeks, I’m not going to be surprised (or disappointed) if any of them go home with the exception of Crystal, who is officially this year’s most pimped contestant.

Still, I’m not complaining!