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Posted by Tommy Marx September 21st, 2009

For the first time ever, I watched a complete episode of Dancing With the Stars, and I have to say I completely enjoyed it. I was also surprised at how nice I was as a judge – I’ve always thought of myself as overly critical when it comes to judging performances on shows like these, but my scores for four of the performers matched at least one of the judges’ scores, and the other four were higher than the judges (in one case majorly so).

These are my opinions regarding the eight male contestants:

1. Aaron Carter (dancing with Karina Smirnoff)

I never was a fan of Aaron’s music, which was aimed squarely (emphasis on squarely) at tweeners. I also don’t care for the host of Dancing With the Stars saying Aaron had four Top 40 hits, implying he had four mainstream hits. The truth is, “Saturday Night”, “That’s How I Beat Shaq”, and “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)” all made the Top 40 on Billboard’s Hot Singles Sales chart. “Shake It” peaked at #23 on the Hot Dance Music/Maxi-Singles Sales chart. Only “Aaron’s Party” cracked the Top 40 on the Hot 100 (Billboard’s listing of the current mainstream hits of the week), peaking at #35. By any definition, Aaron is a one-hit wonder whose only major success was nine years ago.

Still, I was very impressed by his cha cha cha routine. I loved the beginning (I would imagine it’s extremely difficult to dance in unison with your partner down a set of steps). I liked that the couple used the dance floor, at one point dancing to the very edge, and sliding under Karina’s legs was a highlight. I just wish everything else hadn’t felt quite so safe and, yes, boring. It also didn’t help that he almost dropped his partner at the end.

I gave Aaron an 8 out of 10. The judges gave him two 7s and an 8.

Near the end, four couples were given 30 seconds each to perform a Viennese waltz, and I thought Aaron and Karina were the best. The judges agreed, awarding him 10 extra points for a total of 32.

2. Chuck Liddell (dancing with Anna Trebrunskaya)

Chuck was the first of the athletes to perform, and I was immediately won over by his personality. Sincere and serious but with a genuinely kind heart, Chuck seems like the kind of guy you could watch a football game with in a sports bar and then shoot the shit with for a couple hours afterwards. I tend to judge people by whether or not I’d want to be friends with them, and I would want to be friends with him.

Even so, his foxtrot was pretty bad. He was so stiff and awkward, and when he remembered to smile, it felt more like a “bless your heart” moment than a “man, he’s enjoying this” thought. I don’t think he’ll last very long unless he learns how to relax and embrace the challenge. And as someone who has danced in local theater productions, I can tell you that is an extremely hard thing to do.

I gave Chuck 6 points. The judges gave him two 5s and a 6, so for the second time in a row, my scores were compatible with the professionals.

When four couples had to dance the salsa, I thought Chuck and Anna came in third place. The judges agreed, giving them six more points for a total of 22.

3. Mark Dacascos (dancing with Lacey Schwimmer)

My best friend loves Iron Chef, so I’m sure she’s rooting for Mark to win it all, but I’m not feeling it. Mark is a good-looking guy with a very hot body, and he has a friendly, out-going personality, but my first impression wasn’t good. Every time the camera turned to him, during the introductory segments and throughout the two-hour show, Mark displayed bursts of enthusiastic energy, but it always felt like he was a robot programmed to shine when the spotlight was turned on him and then conserve battery cells when it wasn’t. I’ve seen people that try too hard to be brilliant, but it went beyond that. Quite frankly, it was annoying.

Speaking of annoying, who the hell thought “Kung Fu Fighting” would be anything but a clichéd and incredibly predictable song for Mark and Lacey to dance to? The routine itself was great, and Mark did a good job, but the gimmick destroyed the dance. As a major fan of American Idol, I can’t tell you how many times a bad song choice has ruined a contestant’s performance. This was by far one of the worst song choices ever.

I gave Mark 8 points because as much as I detested the cliché, I did think he danced well. The judges weren’t as kind. All three of them gave him seven points each.

The Viennese waltz gave Mark a chance to shine. I thought he came in second out of the four couples, and the judges agreed. With eight more points, Mark ended the night with a total of 29.

4. Ashley Hamilton (dancing with Edyta Sliwinska)

Although it’s possible a genuine star will one day appear on this show, it seems doubtful. First of all, it’s such a time commitment, and second of all, after achieving a certain level of fame, who would want to jeopardize that by looking like a fool on what many would dismiss as a cheesy reality show? Still, was there no one available that was even remotely better known than Shannon Doherty’s ex-husband two decades ago? I don’t know the man and learning about his debilitating motorcycle crash made me feel sympathetic for him. But still, if he is the definition of a star, then so am I.

As for his talent, Ashley was easily the worst dancer of the eight that performed tonight. I loved Chuck Liddell’s personality, but even then I had to admit he was a horrible dancer. Imagine my surprise when someone managed to be even more stiff, more wooden, more excruciatingly awkward. Although I seriously question his inclusion as a star of any caliber, Ashley comes across as a likable person in his taped vignettes. But holy shit, whatever made him think he could dance?

Again, because I can’t help but be the softer side of Sears, I gave Ashley 5 out of 10. The judges’ averaged the same (4, 5 & 6).

His salsa was just as painful (imagine a corpse trying to dance after rigor mortis has set in), and the judges also thought he was the worst of the four. With four points given mainly for just showing up, Ashley’s total was a dismal 19.

5. Donny Osmond (dancing with Kym Johnson)

I grew up watching Donny and Marie’s variety show, and for the most part I’m a fan. I don’t care for his stand against marriage equality (the idea that he wouldn’t allow his own niece to get married if she found the right woman is noxious to say the least), but I can look past his self-centered views. Yes, he’s a little too shiny happy, but that’s actually one of the things I admire about him. I think this world needs more optimism.

Donny actually got my highest score of the night. His foxtrot was awesome. At times I felt like Kym overshadowed him (the judges claimed he was too theatrical, but I think his modesty and respect for women – and specifically his partner – found him taking a backseat to Kym far too often). But all in all, I thought it was a great performance.

I thought Donny gave a 9-out-of-10 routine. The judges didn’t agree, awarding him two 7s and a 6. This was the first time I strongly disagreed with the judges, but it wouldn’t be the last.

Donny’s salsa was equally impressive. The judges thought it was the best, while I rated it second behind Louie’s gymnastics. With ten extra points, Donny came in second behind Aaron Carter with 30 points.

6. Louie Vito (dancing with Chelsie Hightower)

Could Louie be more adorable? I guess I really am old – I watched Louie’s taped comments and instead of thinking how hot he might be, I thought how proud I would be to be his father. He is my favorite of the male contestants, and I’ll freely admit that it’s because he seems respectful, hard-working, and a genuinely nice guy. Of all the contestants, he surprised me the most. I don’t know what clichés might exist around snowboarders, but his warmth and humanity made any and all of them shatter.

Yes, his foxtrot was a little awkward, but all in all he did a really good job.

I gave him 7 out of 10 and one of the judges agreed with me (the other two gave him 6s). I’m rooting for Louie, and though I doubt he can make it to the finals, that’s not gonna stop me from hoping he does.

Louie came in second place in the salsa faceoff, but his opening flip won me over. Still, although I gave him the edge over Donny, I can’t disagree with the judges’ final analysis. With 8 more points, Louie and Chelsie ended the night with a score of 28, just behind Mark and Lacey.

7. Michael Irvin (dancing with Anna Demidova)

Here I will admit that I was somewhat blinded by Michael’s likable personality, but I still think the judges were wrong. I don’t follow football, so I didn’t know anything about him going in to the show, but based on what I saw tonight, Michael is definitely someone I’d be proud to call a friend.

Which might explain why I gave him the benefit of the doubt during his cha cha cha. He wasn’t as painfully stiff as Chuck Liddell or Ashley Hamilton, but he wasn’t exactly the most graceful dancer either. To be blunt, most of the time he looked slightly out of place.

But I gave him 8 points anyway, and I don’t care who disagrees. Dancing isn’t just techniques, it’s heart and soul, and damned if Michael Irvin doesn’t have plenty of both. The judges gave him the worst score of the night (one 5 and two 4s), but that’s only because they’re stupid. And dumb. And they have poopoo breath.

Strangely, I thought Michael was the worst in the Viennese waltz challenge, but the judges placed him third. Maybe they’re not all poopoo breathed people. Michael ended the night with 19 points, tying with Ashley for last place.

8. Tom DeLay (dancing with Cheryl Burke)

DeLay’s a Republican, so obviously I hate him. Except I don’t. That’s the difference between liberals and conservatives. We tend to be more forgiving. And have much larger penises, but that’s beside the point.

Tom reminded me of the feisty grandfather who dances with the hot bridesmaid at the wedding reception – he might be a little old and a little rusty, but his heart shines through like a beacon. How could you not find yourself rooting for him? He wasn’t the best dancer, but it wasn’t for a lack of trying.

I gave him 7 points, but the judges were harsher, awarding him one 6 and two 5s. Perhaps they couldn’t get past the extremely fugly brown suit Tom wore.

In the Viennese waltz challenge, Tom placed dead last in the judges’ eyes (I thought he was better than Michael), so he only got four additional points, for a total of 20.

With everything said and done, it looks like Aaron Carter and Donny Osmond are definite contenders, but I’m rooting for Louie Vito.

Tomorrow I’ll rate the women contestants.

Posted by Tommy Marx June 3rd, 2009

Only time will tell if season eight of American Idol is a repeat of season two, with the runner-up outselling the winner (Clay Aiken has sold 4,842,000 albums in the United States and Canada while Ruben Studdard has sold 2,484,000, according to SoundScan).

Personally, I hope both Kris Allen and Adam Lambert are incredibly successful. I think they’re both extremely talented.

Now that the season’s over, I thought it would be interesting to share some interesting facts about past competitors.

 

• Carrie Underwood’s “Some Hearts” album has sold the most copies of any American Idol contestant, selling 6,734,000 copies to Kelly Clarkson’s 6,070,000 copies of “Breakaway.”

• Kelly Clarkson is the best-selling contestant, with sales of 10,149,000 for four albums. Carrie Underwood, who’s only released two albums so far, is in second place with sales of 9,586,000.

• Three Idol contestants have gone on to win Grammy Awards: Jennifer Hudson for best R&B Album (2009), Kelly Clarkson for best female pop vocal and best pop vocal album (2006) and Carrie Underwood for best new artist (2007) and best female country vocal (2007, 2008 and 2009).

• Carrie is the biggest award-winner in Idol history. eight Academy of Country Music awards (including the 2009 “Entertainer of the Year”), five American Music awards, 14 Billboard Music awards, five Country Music Association awards,  and four Grammy awards.

• Of the five best-selling albums from Idol contestants, two were released by Carrie Underwood, one by Kelly Clarkson, and one each by the runner-up of the second season (Clay Aiken) and the third runner-up of the fifth season (Chris Daughtry).

• Kelly Clarkson’s controversial “My December” album – which was ridiculously criticized by Clive Davis, the head (?) of her record label – sold more copies than the debut album of the fifth season winner of American Idol (Taylor Hicks).

• Taylor Hicks is the only winner of American Idol not to sell at least a million copies of his first post-win album.

• Taylor Hicks is the only winner of American Idol to see his album sales (734,400) be eclipsed by two of the contestants he “defeated.” Chris Daughtry has sold 4,444,234 copies of his debut album (six times more than Taylor’s three albums combined) and Kellie Picker has sold 802,000 copies of her debut.

• The best-selling winners (based on album sales) so far: Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, David Cook, Jordin Sparks, Taylor Hicks.

• The best-selling first runner-ups (based on album sales) so far: Clay Aiken, Bo Bice, David Archuleta, Katherine McPhee, Blake Lewis, Diana DeGarmo, Justin Guarini.

• The best-selling other runner-ups (based on album sales) so far: Chris Daughtry, Kellie Pickler, Josh Gracin, Jennifer Hudson, Elliot Yamin, Bucky Covington, Kimberley Locke.

Posted by Tommy Marx May 26th, 2009

I would like to thank all the people out there who saved me from embarrassing myself.

Last Thursday night on So You Think You Can Dance, a black man danced with a white woman. In this day and age, I didn’t think it was a big deal. But as soon as they began to dance, Nigel Lythgoe (one of the judges) commented loudly, “That’s strange, the hand on the back of the neck.”

In all honesty, the interracial couple wasn’t great. They switched leads, they looked awkward together at times, and the ending – the guy dropped his partner and then fell down on top of her – was an unmitigated disaster. But it bothered me that Nigel, who snickered and averted his eyes throughout the performance, actually laughed out loud when the dancers fell to the floor.

In giving his judgment, Nigel said, “Your styles were good, if I just stick with the dancing.” That confused me. With all due respect, the show is called So You Think You Can Dance, so why wouldn’t he “stick with the dancing” when asked for his opinion?

Evidently, dancing is not enough. Nigel bluntly stated, “I think you probably alienate a lot of our audience. I mean, we’ve always had different races dance together on the show, but they’ve never really done it in each other’s arms before. I’m certainly one of those people that really like to see whites with whites and blacks with blacks. I don’t think I liked it, to be frank. But if we just keep it down to your dancing rather than you dancing together in this style, I thought you were both good and strong. So thank you for coming and sharing a first with us.”

Mary Murphy (another of the judges) said, “It was hard for me to even kind of focus on that technique ’cause I was still just trying to figure out – it would have been easier for me in other words if both of you were the same color.”

Nigel, in response, said, “Well, I don’t think you want to see a black person and a white person and think of them as a couple.”

At the end, Nigel said, “Do you know what? I would like to see you both dancing with your own kind.” After the other two judges quickly agreed, Nigel said, “You never know, you might enjoy that too.”

I found the whole segment, the comments by the judges, everything about it, to be extremely offensive. But thank God for straight people. They let me know immediately that I was wrong.

Because, of course, the couple dancing last Thursday night were two men, not an interracial couple. And everyone knows that hatred only counts if you’re talking about real people, not fagots. Only those who worry about being “politically correct” would be offended by being told they would spend eternity burning in hell, should not be allowed near children (let alone raise them), would destroy everything true and righteous about our beautiful country if allowed to marry, and by all means should never dance together as if they were heterosexuals.

I was surprised, disappointed and yes, extremely hurt, to be bitch-slapped by a reality dance program one-and-a-half hours into the program. I was thoroughly enjoying the program, inspired by the talented auditions and the dancers who sacrificed so much to follow their dreams.

And then two guys danced together and reminded me that, as a gay man, I should accept without complaint being the object of ridicule and derision. As the men walked away, the producers played a song that said, “This is a man’s world. But it wouldn’t be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl.” For ninety minutes, I had completely forgotten that I was a reprehensible deviant.

Fortunately, So You Think You Can Dance reminded me that I should never get cocky enough to forget that only very specific definitions of love are acceptable.

Thank you, straight people for – well – setting me straight. I promise I’ll try to remember my proper place in the future.