Bookmarx

Posted by Tommy Marx September 3rd, 2010

God is supreme, the Alpha and the Omega; there is no one greater.

A postage stamp is a postage stamp.

God spoke and the waters brought forth abundantly all birds that fly above the earth.  Birds are 67% water.  God also formed man out of the dust of the ground. Human beings are 70% water and there is no discernible amount of dust in their biological makeup.

A postage stamp cannot verbally distinguish water from soil.

God told the birds, whales, cattle, and everything else He created to be fruitful and multiply, emphasizing the whole reproduction concept. Then He created Adam and was cool with him being the only human. Later, while relaxing with a warm cup of chamomile tea, He realized He didn’t want Adam to be alone. So He formed every beast of the field and every fowl of the air out of the ground. (In His concern over finding Adam a “help meet”, God completely forgot that He’d already created birds out of water, but that’s a very common error amongst deities that like to create entire universes.) God then had all the animals meet Adam to help find company for the man.

A postage stamp, like most inanimate objects, is not specifically offended by bestiality but doesn’t particularly embrace the concept either.

God eventually decided to let Adam be fruitful and multiply with something other than cattle. He induced a coma, then removed one of Adam’s ribs. For those who might wonder why Eve was boned before getting the chance to enjoy the bone, the “dust of the ground” trick evidently only works once. Upon waking up, Adam immediately said, “A man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Besides the randomness and awkward phrasing, Adam’s proclamation was bizarre, since he didn’t, in fact, have a father or a mother, he and Eve did not meld into one organic being, and when asked by God later why he ate of the forbidden fruit, promptly forgot his desire to cleave and instead blamed the woman. This is an example of something that is usually classified under the category of “what the fuck?”.

A postage stamp also doesn’t have a father or mother, and rarely, if ever, cleaves.

God blessed Adam and Eve with free will, then condemned them for actually acting on that blessing.

A postage stamp, for the most part, is thought of as a nice thing to possess, not as a petty, shit-stained douche bag.

God insisted that Adam be fruitful, multiply, and do that whole cleaving thing. But when Adam and Eve failed His contrived test (again, when creating universes, some Ones tend to forget that beings allowed to act on their own accord might not to meet all expectations, which is why most non-severely retarded deities choose to create brainless robots instead of anything capable of rational thought), God declared that from that moment on, all women would be cursed with that “time of the month”, childbirth would be a ridiculously painful experience, and men would rule over women like pompous little dictators. Because that would encourage women to have more babies (see previously referenced “what the fuck?” proclamation).

A postage stamp doesn’t whine or throw hissy fits.

God loves his creation.

There has never been one recorded instance of a postage stamp killing people for the hell of it. Postage stamps have never caused floods or fire and they have never condoned the slaughter of thousands of babies because they wanted to prove a point. A postage stamp is, by pretty much any definition, harmless. While most people would not list that as one of the reasons they like postage stamps, if asked, most of them would more than likely acknowledge that they prefer non-vengeful stamps over the nasty ones.

God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son to die for everyone, even though He only noticed He had a son after the New Testament began, when Jesus rather annoyingly popped into existence with no warning and started talking about meek people and prodigal children. God also loved the world enough to inspire Mel Gibson to create religious torture-porn, but that was more a side-effect of His feces forming into what would eventually be known as the current Pope then anything intentional.

A postage stamp doesn’t have the capability to create imaginary progeny, nor does it have the desire to do so. And most postage stamps, as a rule, are wary of Mr. Gibson, fearing that his list of things he hates and rants about in drunken rages will eventually extend to include postal products. As for their thoughts regarding Popes, stamps unanimously prefer to keep their silence and wait for the fucks to die out.

God’s Son sacrificed himself so that all humanity could be saved.

A postage stamp, if it were possible for it to rationalize beyond its need to be affixed to an envelope, might wonder why people would worship a God that creates a motherless child, then sacrifices that same child to save humanity. If the supreme being in question really was all-powerful and such, why couldn’t It just change the rules dictating the sacrifice and instead insist that only people who apologized in a proper manner befitting a whiny douche bag, people who figured out that Buffy the Vampire Slayer was based on true events, or people who truly understood that the hokey-pokey really is what it’s all about would be saved? If Kung-Fu Grip Jesus  had to be sacrificed to save the world, why wouldn’t people worship the deity that insisted the sacrifice be made, instead of the God that was the deity’s bitch?

Okay, maybe a postage stamp that had the ability to rationalize wouldn’t care about a god that has the emotional maturity of a fourth-grade student and must abide by a set of rules created by someone higher up than he/she. But I do. Sue me.

So what is the difference between God and a postage stamp?

Millions and millions of people have been inspired to follow God’s words and interpret them in ways that, amazingly enough, completely and without fail conform to every single thing each and every one of them already believe, no matter how destructive or judgmental or psychotic those beliefs might be.

On the other hand, a postage stamp is useful.

Posted by Tommy Marx January 13th, 2010

The second three Star Wars movies (The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, and Revenge of the Sith) have made more money than any other film trilogy in US history, with $1.122 billion in total grosses. At $1.113 billion in total grosses, the Spider-man movies fall just 9 million from that record. In fact, Spider-man and its sequels are the only films from Sony Pictures to make it on the list of the top fifty biggest domestic box office grosses (coming in at #9, #13, and #18) You have to go all the way to #54 to find the next most successful Sony film, Men in Black, which was released more than twelve years ago.

So a fourth Spider-man film with the director and stars that made the first three so successful should be a no-brainer, right? Well, whoever’s running Sony Pictures officially has no brain.

Although there’s debate over which of the Spider-man movies is best, the first or the second (I liked the second better myself), most people agree the third one had some major problems. So it’s no surprise that Sam Raimi has been demanding a great script before production begins on the fourth movie. But now that his quest for perfection has cost the movie the chance to open in May 2011, Sony has decided to drop the whole thing and reboot the franchise with a new cast and director.

“Spider-Man will always be an important franchise for Sony Pictures and a fresh start like this is a responsibility that we all take very seriously,” said Michael Lynton, Chairman and CEO of Sony Pictures.  “We have always believed that story comes first and story guides the direction of these films and as we move onto the next chapter, we will stay true to that principle and will do so with the highest respect for the source material and the fans and moviegoers who deserve nothing but the best when it comes to bringing these stories and characters to life on the big screen.”

So let me get this straight. Sam Raini was not comfortable with the script for Spider-man 4, so Sony Pictures dropped him, then announces “that story comes first”? Bullshit, thy name is Lynton.

The last time an active movie franchise dropped its original director and star, the world ended up with a Batman and Robin that had hard plastic nipples built into their costumes. I think Sony Pictures’ decision to reboot a thriving franchise makes that decision look genius.

(more…)

Posted by Tommy Marx January 11th, 2010

I really don’t understand how people run big corporations.

Domino’s is the world’s largest pizza delivery chain. But when their pizza came in last on a survey measuring customer taste preferences, they decided to change everything. They drizzled butter, garlic, parsley and parmesan cheese on the trust. They made the sauce spicier and added red pepper to the mix. They even tweaked the cheese, adding a touch of provolone to the mozzarella.

One of my friends came over to watch Supernatural yesterday. She’s never seen an episode, so we’re making our way through the first season. For supper, I suggested we get a pizza. I’d seen the ads promoting the changes Domino’s has made to their pizza, and I was curious and somewhat excited to taste it.

Susan and I both love the Brooklyn style pizza from Domino’s. We usually get it with just cheese (mozzarella plus provolone), and it’s almost always perfect. With the online coupon, it’s only $11.50 plus tax and tip, which isn’t bad.

After we’d eaten the pizza, we both agreed that we probably will never order another pizza from Domino’s again. It wasn’t bad. It just wasn’t good. (more…)

Posted by Tommy Marx September 10th, 2009

It had to happen. Here’s the illustrated story behind the greatest conspiracy in the history of the United States of America:

Posted by Tommy Marx August 3rd, 2009

Poor President Obama.

I may not be his biggest fan at the moment. After all, I remember when he invited Donnie McClurkin to campaign for him (McClurkin is an “ex-gay” who preaches that homosexuality is repugnant to his god). I remember when he invited Rick Warren to speak the invocation at his inauguration ceremony (Warren actively campaigned for Prop 8, which stripped Californian couples of their right to marry if they were same-gendered).

Obama was for same-sex marriage as a Senator but then mysteriously opposed it once he became a Presidential candidate. He has condoned the termination of hundreds of military troops based on their sexual orientation and his administration has actively supported both the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy and the Defense of Marriage Act that legalizes discrimination against gays and lesbians. So no, I’m not his biggest supporter.

But this birther shit is getting way past the point of ridiculous.

According to World Net Daily, the site that’s become the online equivalent of the Weekly World News tabloid, a birth certificate showing Barack was born in Kenya has suddenly been found. It was submitted anonymously (of course), and the WND states, “The new document released by Taitz bears none of the obvious traits of a hoax.”

Because we can trust a website that runs an average of 8 stories a day purporting to prove that Barack Obama isn’t a naturalized citizen.

But that’s not enough. No, not only is President Obama at the center of a conspiracy that would have had to span five decades and countless public and private organizations. He is also the main star of the Book of Revelation (for those not up on current mythology, that would be the Biblical anti-Christ that inspired “The Omen” and several sequels and bad remakes).

That’s right, according to one trusted source (an anonymous man on YouTube), Luke 10:18 has Jesus saying, “I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven.”

Now bear with me, because this gets a little confusing. According to anonymous man (codenamed ppsimmons), lightning in Hebrew is spelled Baraq. Ignoring the words “fall” and “from” and the entire context of the phrase, “heaven” in Hebrew translates as, well, “hashamayim”. But if Jesus REALLY meant to say Satan was lightning from the HEIGHTS (or more specifically, “lightning heights”), well, heights in Hebrew is Bamah. So Jesus may very well have said, I beheld Satan as Baraq fall from Bamah, which obviously proves President Obama is the anti-Christ that will kill all the right-wing fundamentalists and feed on the blood of their babies.

Who wants to bet Lou Dobbs won’t be questioning the possibility that Obama and his hordes of demons will be enslaving all mankind within the next 2-3 weeks?

Stay tuned next week when President Obama is revealed to be a sentient cyborg programmed to kill everyone to insure that SkyNet is launched successfully in 2013.

Posted by Tommy Marx July 29th, 2009

Much has been made of the recent discovery of Philip J. Berg’s confidential letter to Supremacist groups asking them to  question Barack Obama’s right to be President (claiming that Obama was not born in the United States of America). But while the media outlets on both sides of the political spectrum have quoted certain phrases and paragraphs, no one has published the entire work. I’m not afraid to do just that.

I won’t even bother to comment. I’ll let the letter speak for itself:

Barack Obama is black.

This is not a rumor or an exaggeration. The liberal media (which loves to play croquet with dead babies and have orgies with Muslim terrorists) wants to keep that fact hidden from America, thinking that people won’t notice their President is a darkie.

He must be impeached. It’s not because we are racist, of course. We are God-fearing Christians that love all of God’s children. We just don’t like the coloreds (to use the politically correct term). God never meant for blacks and Mexicans and those tiny Asian people to live in America; this is a country that was made exclusively for white people. If those Africans hadn’t insisted on being our slaves in the first place, we wouldn’t have to deal with a president that is black.

Attempts to prove that he’s a terrorist, the anti-Christ, and a Jew have failed miserably. The millions of jokes and emails and phone calls we’ve made didn’t stop a majority of “Americans-in-name-only” from voting for him.

So we have to move to Plan B.

It’s time to tell everyone Barack Obama wasn’t born in America.

Trying to spread a lie might seem a radical move at first, but let’s be honest. Obama was born in Hawaii less than two years after the state was admitted into the Union. Shouldn’t there be a rule that people who are not white should at least be born in a state that’s been part of the Union for more than a couple of years? George W. was born in Connecticut, and that state was one of the original colonies, for Christ’s sake.

Besides, President Barack Obama is black. Does anyone really believe he was born in America? Countless studies have shown that all black people are born in Africa. That’s why liberals like to refer to the coloreds as African-Americans.

The truth is – and you know this as well as I do – if we keep saying it, people will start using phrases like “where there’s smoke, there’s fire” and “there must be a kernel of truth to it”. Most people have been sheep for thousands of years. They’re not about to change now.

If someone tells you they’ve seen the Certificate of Live Birth, tell them you want to see the Birth Certificate. If they say it’s the same thing, tell them it’s not. Better yet, tell them everything’s been forged, and it’s all part of a gigantic conspiracy that’s lasted fifty years and encompassed thousands and thousands of Godless liberals.

People love that conspiracy shit.

And don’t stop at the birth certificate. Obama has lived in other countries. Tell people he was an Indonesian citizen under a different name (I think his stepfather adopted him, so we can make it sound like his adopted surname was actually an alias). Tell people he went to college as a foreign student.

Hell, tell them whatever the fuck you want. Just keep telling them stories.

Because Barack Obama is black. And if we keep spreading stories about him, some of them are going to stick. White men (except for the liberals, who regularly rape and murder nuns and want everyone to turn gay and stop having children) have ruled this country since long before we began shipping in slave labor to do all the work, and that’s the way it should remain.

Only you can prevent blacks from being President!

There you go. Philip J. Berg has fought to have Supreme Court justices disbarred and claimed that President Bush conspired to have terrorists attack the World Trade Centers.

Guess he also has a thing against black people.

Posted by Tommy Marx July 23rd, 2009

Arlayne Cheryl Curiel called the police Saturday to complain about her neighbors harassing her. It seems the woman, who lives in Albany, Oregon, was being treated badly by her neighbors because she had sex with a thirteen-year-old boy. The 24-year-old had met the boy, taken him to her house, given him alcohol, then had sex with him in the unoccupied house next door.

And evidently Arlayne’s neighbors had a problem with this.

Arlayne Cheryl Curiel was arrested by the Albany Police and is being charged with first-degree sex abuse, second-degree sodomy, second-degree rape, first-degree burglary and furnishing alcohol to a minor. She is also the recipient of the first ever Bookmarx Stupid Shit Award.